Concerning an Obscure Musical
by BroadwayGeek24601
Summary: A parody of the Hirschfield production of Phantom. NOT ALW! Read, review, no flames, please!
1. Chapter 1

The Best Dang Title You've Ever Seen

…Nope, not song parodies this time! This is a parody on the whole version of POTO done at the Hirschfield Theater (The one starring David Staller, Elizabeth Walsh, all those peeps). I love it to death, but it was just calling to be parodied, it's like 'come on broadwaygeek24601, y'know ya wanna make fun of me…'

So, since the Hirschfield production was there, inside my mind, I present to you, my beloved audience, THE HIRSCHFIELD THEATER PHANTOM PARODY!

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Hello, and welcome to the Hirschfield version of Phantom, a substantially shorter version than the ALW. Enjoy.

After watching a somewhat disturbing preview concerning WaterBearer Films, we go to the beach at Calais…whoa, we're actually starting at the beginning?! An interesting concept, yes…

It is 1901, and-

Excuse me; I'm going to have to cut in again here. 1901 is like, 50 years after the original story _ends._ Could it be the character's children? I see a plot for a stereotypical phanfic! But more to the point, we see young Christine and her father, who is playing the violin while making dramatic, sweeping motions. Christine is too absorbed with worshipping her scarf to notice this, however.

Her father…somehow…disappears…and guess who prances (Yes, _prances_) onstage **with black hair? **Why, it's that foppy wimp we all know, dressed in boring work clothes!

Anyway, Raoul, for it is he, saves the scarf after Christine…throws it in the water…He makes it apparent that her father has abandoned her, and hands her her scarf. Christine, satisfied, displays it proudly as she tiptoes offstage.

Raoul vows that he will find her again, and runs off in the …opposite… direction.

**End Introduction**

We see a room with what looks to be a funhouse mirror, and grown-up Christine singing.

"lalalalala"

Nope, no words this time. Although, many of you familiar with Mozart will recognize the tune from the opera, "The Magic Flute". This opera will come into play later, followed by some angry ranting.

Anyway, she is coached by A Certain Voice (Need I say who?), and gets all afraid and teary. She begins to cry very softly, which is odd, because Madame Giry has apparently heard from across the stage. She barges in on Christine to comfort her-

Wait; A _dressing room _ with no lock?

With all this obsession over modesty in the 19th century, you'd think they'd put a lock on the door to a dressing room. Oh wait. It's like the 1920s in this version. Okey-dokey.

Madame Giry of the Large Forehead acts all happy until Christine tells her of the Mystery Man and his pitiful attempt to coach her, and this hilarious, wide-eyed, supposed-to-be-ominous look comes onto the Madame's face as she declares Christine The Chosen One.

No, really. She does.

"I knew he would, and he has chosen you!"

Giry continues her corny explanation that he was the Spirit of Music, and leaves with this encouraging note: "A gift from heaven can be hell to pay."

…Is she trying to freak Christine out on purpose? If she is, she's not being to subtle about it. And apparently it gets to Christine anyway. This is surreal.

Christine begins to hum, and Guess-Who begins coaching her again. They begin singing a boringed-out version of Angel of Music from the ALW musical (Spirit of Music, heh.) They start falling for eachother, yadayadayada,

TEN YEARS LATER

So, what is it now, the 1930s? This story is getting a leeeetle too modern for my taste…

It's ballet practice/stage set construction time, which incidentally take place in the same area. Suddenly, the lights go out! Erik gives a relatively pleasant chuckle off stage, though he is nowhere to be seen! Dundunduuuunnnn…

Time to launch into song! The ballerinas start singing about how ugly Erik is, who's probably sitting in the background all pissed off going "Shut up about my deformity or I'll chuckle at you again!"

All this time, the Daroga has been running across the stage a bunch of times, in quick succession. Either that or he brought along a little band of Darogas to do his evil bidding and inspire terror in his fellow man. Think of the sleuthing and nosing around the original Daroga could do! "Daroga One, go talk to Erik! Daroga Seven, go freak everyone out!"

So, Giry joins in and asks in verse if Erik has, ahem_, harassed_ them in any way, and they whoop in response. Yes, you read correctly. These aforementioned whoops, I believe, were intended to be shouts of "Oh, No!".

…let's stick with that. Now they start doing a dance that could also pass for some form of Tai-Chi. Ballerinas must remain zen when there are Opera Ghosts about!

Giry ends the song by bossing the ballerinas around. Enter, Buquet, who reminds me of a Cats character.

He somehow trips on nothing, and has a little chat with his local Daroga, who shortly leaves. Buquet then takes a swig o' brandy to an ominous chord. Carlotta, who, like the ALW, has a…_vibrant _accent, enters.

She shoos Buquet away, and explains to the managers that she is too good to sing at a benefit concert. The Dynamic Duo try to talk her into it, and here, my audience, is the most cold-heated line you will ever hear from Moncharmin's mouth:

"It's not as if we're asking you to raise money for impoverished children, for God's sake!"

Evil, Moncharmin, evil!! You would think that someone would get all angry at him for behaving in such a shocking manner, but no dice. Carlotta answers with;

"I should hope not."

MONSTERS!

Anyway, Carlotta still refuses, adding a second excuse: She "has a slight tickle", and she "may never ever again regain her renowned High C". She then remembers that she's supposed to be angry with the Phantom too, so she quickly adds that on. Moncharmin acts like an idiot, and Carlotta, not paying attemtion to herself, sings "I woooon't!"

Madame Giry butts in yet again to make some corny humor, and suggests 'Ms. Daae' as an understudy. M'sieur Richard scoffs and compares Christine to boiled chicken.

…

He rants a little more about who's to be there, and convinces Carlotta to do it. A tall piece of cardboard falls, and, (GASP) almost_ touches _her! AAAH!

Oh look, more singing from the ballerinas. And Erik finally lives up to his threat and chuckles at them again. Is the song over?

Nope. The ballerinas show off their mad dancin' skeelz with one last pose for good luck.

We skip scenes to find a room with a picture of a Viking woman in the background. M'sieurs Richard and Moncharmin have a little bicker, while Erik causes some mischief and chuckles some more.

Question: His hand pops out from under the portrait. The portrait moves. He's wearing white gloves. Why then can't the managers notice? Are they that involved in their bickering like a married couple to notice a hand come out of nowhere? (Or their disturbing taste in wall art?)

Question number two: Richard calls Moncharmin 'old man' when he himself is the one with gray hair, wrinkles, and a need for spectacles. Moncharmin has black hair, and looks to be 40. Richard must be an insecure old hypocrite…

Now comes the 'musical comedy' they mention on the back of the DVD case. Very Charlie Chaplin….yurgh.

Now the Phantom shows up behind the portrait (?) completely unnoticed (!) and says some completely incoherent lines. We now reach a discordant crescendo. End of song, praise the Lord!

And now, hm, apparently the back of the stage is the front, because Carlotta is facing away from us as she begins to sing terribly.

The aria is from Faust, yay, there's a touch of Leroux!

Erik creeps a stagehand out. Said stagehand drops a box, which really shouldn't bother a thing, but Carlotta whips around. This is not a good way to handle something like that, folks!

Erik chickles. Again. Pleasantly. Carlotta starts again.

Now, a pretty heavy sandbag falls, actually quite threatening, but she pays less attention to it than the piece of cardboard. (Shrugs) To each her own…

She grudgingly starts again (Again!) and actually gets to continue.

Meanwhile, Erik blackmails a drunk Buquet. Not with real mail, just mentally. He starts listing off way to 'get even' with Carlotta, and says 'I know! How about the faulty trap door idea!'

Huh?

Buquet runs across the stage screaming. Carlotta struts offstage. Christine is summoned onstage after a three sentence pep talk from The Phantom.

Now comes the angry ranting from the Authoress. Guess what she sings?! A song to the tune of 'Ach, dis fuels' From Mozart's 'The Magic Flute'! Which was by Mozart! Not this little gang of producers! They added their own words! Copyright infringement! _Curse you, Abe Hirschfield_!

Ahem. She continues the song, which was so not supposed to be a duet, and Raoul shows up to woo her.

It will be known, that in the opera, this was a song that a girls sings after she is rejected. This is totally the wrong song to pick.

…and guess whose hair turned blonde?

Erik is tortured by this little duet. Les Miserables fanatics will find a rush of déjà vue in this scene. (Heart Full Of Love, anyone?)

Christine faints, after butchering the song. Mozart turns madly in his grave, and we cut to later, when the managers (Really only Richard) accuse Buquet of…well, running across the stage screaming.

Buquet suggests the trap door idea (I don't get it!) But they scoff and walk away.

Daroga ( Or a Daroga clone, at least.)enters and makes some ominous statements. We cut to…

Carlotta, as she sings a song and attempts to be pitiful. She complains about being replaced, yadayadayada. End Chapter One!

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Coming up next: Blonde Raoul and more 'Magic Flute' ranting! Do nt miss!

Read, review, no flames, watch for more!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Welcome to chapter two, where stuff actually happens! Yay!

Disclaimer: I do not own any obscure-hardly-heard-of-versions-of-Phantom, and I do not own The Magic Flute (And neither do the producers of this show, who need to get that through their skulls!)

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When we last saw this phic, Carlotta was feeling sorry for herself with some 60s sounding operatic-ness. Next scene…

We see Christine's lock-less dressing room, with Giry congratulating her.

**Christine:** Does it always feel like this afterwords? Wonderful yes, but I'm exhausted!

**Giry:** You will feel better after you rest. (They laugh)

What is so funny?!

Raoul enters, and Giry stands in for a lock, saying that visitors are not allowed backstage. Yes, well, that and the fact that Christine could have actually been using the dressing room to…I dunno…dress?

Raoul reminds Christine their childhood-sweetheart-isms, and Christine shows him the scarf he rescued. 'He' meaning Raoul, of course. Unless Christine had a sex change. Christine fondles the scarf, remembering how she used to worship it so…does that mean that this adds up to her being the Chosen One Of The Sisterhood Of Scarf-Worshippers?

And allow me to bring this up: They pronounce 'Raoul' like 'Rah-OOL' instead of 'Rowl'. Now, I'm not sure if this is accurate or not, but last time I checked, the boy was not Spanish.

Raah-OOL asks Christine out to a masked ball at midnight. She accepts, short notice, non?

Giry and Raoul leave, and Erik's voice starts up immediately. He kidnaps her…What? No song?

Raoul bangs on the door for her to let him in. Finally, he respects her need for privacy!

…Then he barges right in. He finds her gone, Daroga (Or one of him, anyway.) enters, introduces himself, and while Raoul is looking dead ahead, the Daroga opens the mirror wide and slips through. Raoul is totally oblivious.

A bridge: Erik leads Christine across. Daroga watches.

A room: Erik carries Christine in. Daroga does not watch. After Chris asks him where they are, Erik beats around the bush with, "Do not be afraid"

But he says it in this weird, creepy accent. Mistake? I dunno, I hope so. Christine interrogates him some more, only getting long, enigmatic answers. That's our Erik!

Somehow, Phanty ends up boasting in a loud voice about his talent. Christine asks,

"If you are the creator of such beauty, why have you forsaken the world?!"

Here begins one of the coolest songs ever! Go to YouTube, NOW, and type in 'david staller, perfect music'. I order you! Broadwaygeek24601 has spoken.

Oh, and during this song, watch Erik's hands. He has what appears to be a class ring on his left hand. Did the Phantom of the Opera go to college at Notre Dame? Were his classmates also deformed? Hunchbacks?

This is an example of how attractive a deformed maniac can get. I mean, he's no Gerik, but…

(This does not apply to the previous paragraph whatsoever, but he reminds me of Montparnasse from Les Miserables!)

Erik finishes with a creepy cat-like look.

Christine says she has to go to the masquerade, and here is Erik's reply:

"We will attend that ball. I have some business to be performed, some opticals that require removal"

So the Phantom needs to take out his contact lenses before they can go?

He tells her she can see her Rah-OOL, but she cannot go "beyond the walls of the op-er-a house!" Christine throws a tantrum and pulls off his mask. (??)

Nope, no ALW outburst this time. Just a huge, awkward silence, then,

"LOOK AT ME!"

Except I swear I can hear a 't' sound at the end, so it sounds like "LOOK AT MEAT!"

Ham?! Where?!

Erik gets all pitiful and Christine hands him his mask. Awwwww…

At the ball:

The ballet girls, whose hairstyles have all turned dark and poofy, gossip about the Opera Ghost. Buquet staggers in drunkenly and flirts with Madame Giry…well, uh, that's a new idea… Carlotta makes her presence known, and Christine enters. Raoul comes immediately after, and they go to the roof to straighten everything out (How 'bout Chrissy's hair?!)

Erik comes to the ball, with a mask that is uglier than his real face. He swishes his cape a bit (Though it cannot be compared to Gerik!) and bullies Buquet for 'Not heeding his warning'. The trapdoor thing? It made no sense! Naughty, Erik, you're so vague!

The ballet rats whisper as Madame Giry acts like a wallflower (Or a wallweed) Moncharmin…waves his hands around…

Carlotta declares in a loud voice, "PERHAPS HE HAS COME TO HEAR ME SING!" and, if you pay attention, at those words the Phantom gives a noticeable stumble. Now he gives Carlotta some punch in a cup that looks like one of those plastic teacups you find in a Little Tykes kitchen set. Anyway, Carlotta drinks it as Erik disappears.

We could live with her singing, but what comes next is completely uncalled for:

"I would like to perform an aria from The Magic Flute, by Wolfgang Amadeus Christismundus Theophilus Sigismundus Mozart!"

What is Abe Hirschfield's obsession with this opera? And why is Carlotta singing the song from it one character sings while disowning her child?! Oh well. It's a cool song anyway.

Erik uses his ventriloquism skills to make her sound like she's baying like a donkey.

We all knew she was an ass.

Anyway, she runs offstage, and everyone, pretty unfased, starts dancing again.

Until Buquet drops in dead with an ax in his back! DUNDUNDUUUUN!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Hello again! I'm gonna skip the horrendously long author's note and get to the point, so without further ado…

Disclaimer: I am not Abe Hirschfield. If I was, I wouldn't be making fun of my masterpiece. And I would give credit to Mozart for the songs he composed.

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So, we left off at Buquet's corpse dropping onto the stage with an ax in his back, with Carlotta screaming as hard as she was when she almost came into contact with a piece of cardboard.

On the roof: Raoul and Christine get lovey dovey and sing a song that sounds a bit like it belongs in a church. Phantom does not watch in anguish, but bursts in as the song ends. He get's angry at her for 'going beyond the walls of the op-e-ra house'. Which she technically didn't do…Unless you count the ceiling as a wall. And if you do, I suggest you get down from that handstand, you are going to break your neck.

Anyway, Erik throws a steam-bomb-thing at Raoul and runs away with Christine. Raoul gets up and is greeted by a Daroga clone. Now you know how he is everywhere at once. Said clone leads him to the lair…

On the bridge, they find two ropes, one of which they know will break. They don't however, know which one. Daroga suggests Raoul swings across a deep void on one. So Raoul entrusts his life to a completely random choice…

The rope falls, and Rah-ool just falls on his behind on the bridge. He then swings across on the correct one. I am still not quite sure why they didn't just pull them without risking their lives to see which one was secure, but oh well, that's just me.

At the lair, Erik and Christine sing songs from Othello. Othello. Othello! Can't these people think of their own songs for once?!

The dynamic duo (AKA Raoul and Daroga), on the bridge over the lair, discuss their plan. Loudly. Shouting. And they act totally surprised when Erik mumbles "So they have finally arrived."

Christine has apparently heard none of this, and, using her inside voice, says "Rah-ool?"

Rah-ool runs downstairs to the gate-like door to the lair. They all have a little quarrel, and Erik, through no threats or bargaining, lets Christine choose who she wants. Guy thinks he can't lose. But he does. And after the love-birds leave, he…smells…his hand…? Tears off the mask, stumbles around like a drunkard, has a breakdown, and tears up his Don Juan. It brings to mind a toddler on a rampage.

Daroga interrupts this tantrum, and, tactful as he is, asks to hear the music that the Phantom has just torn up the score to.

I really have nothing to mock at this next point, since I love the little conversation that happens between Erik and the Daroga. All I can say is, a certain Persian's accent amuses me greatly.

Erik then declares he is ''going into the darkness'' where his ''light will burn FOREVER!'' He throws a steam-bomb on himself and goes through a little door.

He deserves a big 'WTF' for that.

Raoul and Christine stumble onto the empty stage, where Christine says one of the biggest 'duh' inducing lines ever:

"I think he loved me"

You think?!

So, ever delusional, the lovers sing the hymn like song again and run off.

Oh, but is that all?

No folks, there's more.

Something those EM people will really enjoy.

Erik begins coaching Meg on her dancing while using the same lines he used with Christine!

Just a little note to end by, too: To coach her, wouldn't Erik have to be an expert ballerina? That's…a weird little mental image…

THE END

We hope you have enjoyed this production from the awkward beginning, to the inaccurate end. To watch it, which I ORDER YOU TO, simply type in "hirschfeld phantom part one" in the You tube search bar. And yes, 'hirschfeld' is spelled without an 'I'. My bad. Enjoy, and thanks for reading!

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….even though only one person reviewed so I don't know if anyone read. Oh well, it was fun. See ya!


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